Supporting Your Child Through Divorce: How Your Emotional Regulation, Words, and Actions Shape Your Child's Well-Being
Divorce is incredibly stressful, and when emotions are high, even loving parents can say or do things that unintentionally hurt their children. This guide will help you understand what your preteen needs right now and how to stay grounded, balanced, and protective during this transition.
Why Your Emotional Regulation Matters
When a parent is overwhelmed, anxious, or hurt, those emotions often spill into interactions with their children. Preteens are especially sensitive to parental distress. They notice tone, body language, and conflict even when you think they do not.
How dysregulation affects your child:
Kids may take on the parent's stress, feeling responsible for comforting or fixing the parent (parentification).
They may develop anxiety, mood changes, anger outbursts, crying spells, or physical symptoms (stomachaches, headaches).
Emotional overload makes it harder for your child to focus, sleep, or feel secure.
Your goal: Provide a steady, predictable emotional anchor, not perfection, but consistency and repair when needed.
The Impact of Negative Comments About the Other Parent
Even when the criticism feels justified, negative talk about the other parent harms children more than the targeted parent.
Research shows this can lead to:
Loyalty conflicts (I do not want Mom to be mad if I have a good time with Dad)
Long-term emotional harm and internalized stress
Feeling caught in the middle or forced to choose sides
Increased behavior problems and emotional dysregulation
Remember: Your child's relationship with their father is separate from your adult relationship with him. They deserve the freedom to love both parents without guilt.
Why Giving Too Much Information Backfires
Some kids may seem mature, but they are not developmentally equipped to process adult-level details about divorce. Sharing information like finances, legal issues, personal betrayals, or emotional play-by-play can cause:
Anxiety, fear, anger, or feeling unsafe
Pressure to take care of the parent
Misunderstanding or misinterpreting what is happening
Taking on adult responsibilities they are not ready for
Guideline: If the information does not help your child feel safe, secure, or prepared, it is likely not appropriate for them. Using your child as an emotional support I damaging to them.
Keep explanations simple, brief, and focused on the child's experience (school, schedule, home routines).
Using Children as Messengers, Leverage, or Allies
Even subtle things like asking your child to tell your dad something, asking them to gather information, or pressuring them to take sides can deeply harm their emotional well-being.
Children should NEVER be asked to:
Relay messages
Report on the other parent
Influence the other parent's decisions
Choose sides
Comfort or emotionally care for a parent
Adjust their feelings to protect a parent's ego/feelings
This puts your child in an impossible position and can create guilt, divided loyalty, and long-term emotional damage.
What Your Child Needs Most Right Now
Your child needs:
Emotional safety (no pressure, no guilt)
Neutral, age-appropriate information only
Permission to love and want to be with both parents
A stable routine
Reassurance that the divorce is not their fault
A parent who models calm, repair, and self-control
Practical Strategies for You
Use these to stay grounded and reduce conflict spillover:
When emotions rise:
Take a pause (walk away, breathe, text instead of talking face-to-face).
Name your feeling in neutral language: I am feeling overwhelmed, and I need a moment to calm down.
Reach out to an adult, not your child, to process your feelings.
2. When you want to vent about the other parent:
Ask yourself: Is this for my child's benefit or my own? If it is for you, talk to a trusted adult, friend, or therapist instead.
3. When your child asks questions:
Keep it simple:
There are adult problems happening, but you are safe and loved.
Both your parents care about you very much.
4. When you feel tempted to use your child as a messenger:
Use direct communication (email, coparenting app, text), not your child.
Scripts to Use With Your Child
Here are protective, healthy alternatives:
“You do not need to worry about adult problems. That is my job.”
“It is okay to have a good relationship with your dad/mom.”
“You are not responsible for fixing anything between your parents.”
“You can always tell me how you feel, and I will not be upset.”
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A Quick Self-Check for Parents
When you are about to say something to your child about the other parent, ask:
Will this help my child feel safe and emotionally secure?
Is this age-appropriate and necessary?
Am I saying this because I am upset?
Would I say this if the other parent were standing here?
Does this put my child in the middle?
If the answer is no, pause and redirect.
-Rashawna Schumacher, LMFT