Helping Your Child Feel Understood: Validation Skills for Parents

What Is Validation?

Validation means acknowledging and accepting another person’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences as real and understandable — even if you don’t agree with them.

For children, feelings can be experienced as very intense and overwhelming. When their emotions are dismissed or minimized, it can increase distress and lead to withdrawal, anger, or self-destructive behaviors. Validation helps calm emotional intensity, build trust, and improve communication.

Why Validation Matters

• Regulates Emotion: Feeling understood helps calm the nervous system.
• Strengthens Connection: Builds empathy, care, and respect.
• Builds Trust: Encourages open, honest communication.
• Reduces Conflict: Prevents escalation and power struggles.

Common Misunderstandings About Validation

Invalidating Approach vs. Validating Approach:

“You’re overreacting.” → “I can see this feels really intense for you.”

“That’s not a big deal.” → “That sounds like it really hurt.”

“You just need to calm down.” → “I get that calming down feels impossible right now.”

“You shouldn’t feel that way.” → “It makes sense you’d feel that way given what happened.”

6 Levels of Validation (Based on DBT Principles)

1. Pay Attention: Be present. Put away distractions and really listen.

2. Reflect Back: Repeat or summarize what you hear to show you understand.

3. Read Nonverbals: Notice tone, body language, and facial expression.

4. Understand in Context: See how their reaction might make sense given their life or history.

5. Acknowledge the Valid: Identify what is real or understandable in their experience.

6. Show Equality: Treat them as capable and worthy of respect — not fragile or inferior.

Helpful Validation Phrases

• “That must be really painful.”

• “I can understand why you’d feel that way.”

• “You’ve been through a lot — it makes sense this would bring up strong feelings.”

• “I might not fully get it, but I can see this matters to you.”

• “You’re not alone in feeling that.”

• “Thank you for trusting me enough to share that.”

What Validation Is Not

• It’s not agreement or saying the behavior is okay.

• It’s not giving in or avoiding boundaries.

• It’s not fixing the problem for them.

You can validate feelings while still setting limits on behavior.

Example: “I understand you’re angry, and I’m not willing to be yelled at. Let’s take a break and talk when we’re calm.”

Practice Tip

When your child is upset:

1. Pause — take a slow breath.

2. Listen without interrupting.

3. Reflect what you hear (“You sound really hurt that your friend didn’t call.”)

4. Avoid judgment or problem-solving too soon.

5. Validate before redirecting or setting a limit.

Final Thought

Validation is one of the most powerful tools a parent can offer. It communicates:

“Your feelings make sense, and you’re not alone.”

With time and consistency, validation can help your relationship shift from reactive to connected — giving both of you space to heal and grow.

-Rashawna Schumacher, LMFT